From the eJazz site.
Jost
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Crawford, TX, -- In an effort to reach out to constituencies outside his
traditional power base, President George W. Bush announced a new "note
cut"
initiative, intended to appeal to classical musicians. Speaking from his
ranch in Crawford, Texas, the President prefaced his remarks with some
general observations. "Music is a good thing. I like music because I like
good things, and music is good for America. It's fundamentalistic to the
American spirit.
"Classically-orientated musicians -- the ones that play in orchestras, in
the churches of this great country of ours, in polka bands, and on the
telephone when you're put on hold while calling any one of our Fortune
500
Companies -- are especially important, because they play a whole lot of
notes. And these are good, American notes that haven't been genetically
altered, which Laura and I value every highly. As I like to say, what you
don't know you have can't hurt you if you're not there." The President
went
on to explain the reasons for his new initiative. "For too long these
good
musical Americans have been playing lots and lots of notes, and haven't
been
getting anything in return. These notes belong to the American people,
and
it's time to give some of them back."
The administration's plan calls for a one-time refund of 3,000 notes to
all
tax-paying and note-playing musicians. Chamber musicians who play sonatas
together in long-standing legal or church sanctioned relationships are
entitled to a refund of 6,000 notes.
String quartets will receive a one-time refund of 10,000 notes, as
follows:
5,000 for first violinists, 3,000 for second violinists, 1,500 for
cellists,
and 500 for violists. Already this arrangements has generated
considerable
controversy, since it clearly favors the upper instruments.
Pianists are entitled to a 15,000-note refund because, in the words of
the
President, "they play lots and lots and lots of notes. Their fingers must
be
really well oiled. Those digits can really add up, musicologistically
speaking."
Back in Washington, Democrats are already gearing up for a fight. They
point
to the plan's inequitable distribution of notes. Citing the latest
figures
>from the music division of the General Accounting Office, they also
claim
that Bush's initiative is musically irresponsible. Noting recent reports
indicating the President's tax refund, in conjunction with the sliding
economy, has now effectively erased any budget surplus, they find
parallels
in Bush's note-cut initiative. They warn ominously that his plan
threatens
the all-important Musical Security Hemi-, Demi-, and Semi-Quaver Reserve.
On Friday Representative Richard A. Gephardt painted a grim picture of
what,
in Democrats' eyes, the future holds. "Giving musicians notes back
doesn't
mean they're going to use them wisely, and it won't help the nation's
musical health. We'd run the very real risk of running out of notes."
"Imagine," Gephardt continued, "a Brahms symphony petering out in the
performance for a lack of notes. First thing you know, musicians will be
leaving out all the fast movements because they don't have enough notes
to
get through them. Mendelssohn will suffer the most, especially the last
movement of the octet."
Apprised of Gephardt's remarks on the way to a pig roast on his ranch,
President Bush responded. "Nope. Not gonna happen. I intend to be the
defense, education, and fast-movement President. If Congress minds its
musical matters, we'll have enough left for Brahms and the Mendelssohn
Octagon, too."