Re: Top 39 Signs That You're a Glenn Gould Cultist

[Pooya Woodcock <root@pooya.dhs.org>]

Can someone please repost the list again (or mail it directly to me)? It
did not show up in my inbox. Thanks.

On Fri, 6 Oct 2000, Daniel Vaiser wrote:

> Hello All:
>
> That is pretty good: I feel you should add:
>
> 40.  Overdressing (with a sweater, a coat, two scarves, thermal underwear and a hat) in the height of summer . . .
>
> 41.  Putting Ketchup with all your food.
>
>
>
> Daniel Vaiser
>   ----- Original Message -----
>   From: Birgitte Jorgensen
>   To: F_MINOR@EMAIL.RUTGERS.EDU
>   Sent: Friday, October 06, 2000 9:08 AM
>   Subject: Top 39 Signs That You're a Glenn Gould Cultist
>
>
>   Birgitte Jorgensen
>   Variations Blvd, No. 13
>   Planet Gould
>   Glenn Gould
>   Cloud CD318
>   AOL Heaven T3
>
>   Mon Cher Glenn,
>
>   As you know, you have over the past 18 years attracted a flourishing following of fans and admirers, even scholars and imitators, here on Planet Gould. But, I regret to inform you, Glenn, that there are growing signs among some of your most dedicated acolytes of a serious disorder known as Glenn Gould Obsession. We are fearful that it may reach epidemic proportions if we do not take measures now to constrain this new contagion.
>
>   In the interests of healing those minds and saving those souls making a desperate cry for help through the salvation of your music, I have devised a self-administering test to assist in establishing guidelines for a clinical diagnosis of Glenn Gould Cultism.
>
>   Feel free to distribute this paper in AOL Heaven and be sure to alert other Renaissance Men and Women up there to the potential for this insidious complex of symptoms before it contaminates their flocks.
>
>   Here then are the guidelines:
>
>   Top 39 Signs That You're a Glenn Gould Cultist
>
>   You never let a day pass by without playing the closing aria from the second Goldberg Variations.
>
>   You showed up at the last Glenn Gould Gathering dressed as Sir Nigel Twitt-Thornwaite and you plan to attend the next one in Teddy Slutz drag.
>
>   You now lapse unconsciously into a Karl Kloppweisser accent whenever you discuss Austro-Germanic music.
>
>   You don't play the piano, but you keep a Steinway Grand in your shoebox-sized apartment.
>
>   You boycott all concerts in deference to Glenn Gould's doctrines, and as a gesture of support for one of his most favoured causes, you are circulating "Let's Ban Applause" petitions amongst unenlightened symphony hall patrons.
>
>   You have sprayed Toronto's Roy Thomson Hall with graffiti that reads: "Horowitz Sucks! Gould Rules!"
>
>   You've set up an "I Hate GG" website so you can monitor the activities of the enemy and have them blacklisted from future GG Gatherings.
>
>   You are even thinking of starting your OWN Glenn Gould discussion list which will only admit other like-minded GG cultists, but you are so intimidated by the prospect of being flamed that you decide to go into analysis first to overcome your fears and resentments.
>
>   You always think you have a cold coming on and your friendly neighbourhood pharmacist is your best buddy. You keep a copy of the Medical Association's Manual of Prescription Drugs handy along with a diary of your symptoms.
>
>   You wear black and play Gould CDs non-stop on October 4th but you ignore September 25 because you know he would prefer it that way.
>
>   You have your photo taken next to "Glenn On The Bench" and you use it as a Christmas card.
>
>   You spent last summer in a cottage at Lake Simcoe and now you are writing about your reflections on the experience. This debut volume of poetry is to be called "On Gouldian Pond."
>
>   You are a founding member of the new Petula Clark Revival Club.
>
>   You have submitted customer reviews for every single Glenn Gould item at Amazon.
>
>   You fantasize hacking into your local shopping mall's PA system to replace the Muzak with Gould's Art of Fugue and film the reactions of the shoppers as a documentary you plan to debut at Sundance next year. You actually believe you will make GG converts out of the audience members and plot to distribute the soundtrack in elevators worldwide.
>
>   You give up alcohol, tobacco, and fishing and take up Valium, tea, and singing to cows instead.
>
>   You keep a copy of Natsume Soseki's Three Cornered World on your night table and read from it every night before sleeping.
>
>   You restrict your diet to Arrowroot biscuits, Poland water, and ketchup. You only eat in greasy-spoon truckstop diners and it makes you feel cleansed.
>
>   You force your family and friends to watch Mary Tyler Moore reruns even though they would prefer to watch Survivor or MTV.
>
>   You recommend watching Slaughterhouse Five blindfolded because you prefer it that way.
>
>   You've named your dogs Nicky and Banquo, and your three sons are called Glenn Opus 1, 2, & 3.
>
>   You discourage handshakes, even with friends and family, and from now on you threaten to sue anyone who slaps your back or tries to kiss your cheek.
>
>   You force everyone to play the Twenty Questions guessing game with you, even the police, customs officers, and your psychiatrist.
>
>   You start calling your friends after midnight and reciting to them entire transcripts of Cheers, Star Trek, and Spinal Tap from memory.
>
>   You drive a '79 Honda Civic but you call it Longfellow. You stop flying, buy a used Lincoln, and name it Lance. You take out a second mortgage on your house to help finance the fuel consumption costs.
>
>   Your vanity license plate is GGISBACH
>
>   Your screensaver and desktop background pattern is the photo of Glenn Gould from the F-Minor home page (if you are female) or from the official glenngould.com website (if you are a straight male).
>
>   You dress year-round in an overcoat, cap, scarf and knit gloves with the fingertips cut off, and you think no one has noticed.
>
>   You preface all your pronouncements with "Glenn Gould said."
>
>   Your every action, behavior, and decision is based on what you think Glenn Gould would do in your situation.
>
>   When you play his Mozart records backwards, you think you hear Glenn's voice saying: "Follow me."
>
>   Your screen name is "Dell".
>
>   You tattoo your forehead with the famous GlennGould signature, backwards, so you can admire it in the mirror and so that it can be read by motorists who see you in their rearview mirror as you speed up on them and attempt to pass while breaking the sound barrier.
>
>   You have let your posture slip and when you are called into your superior's office, you slip off your shoes and put your stockinged feet on the desk. You have lost your job because you are now sleeping during daylight hours and staying up all night.
>
>   You have built a shrine to Glenn Gould in your basement and you only leave it to check for messages from F-Minor.
>
>   You've removed the padding from all your chairs and sawed a few inches off the legs of the dining-room table.
>
>   You hum incessantly when others are speaking to you, and you conduct the rhythms of their speech with your left hand.
>
>   You keep your Friends of Glenn Gould Society membership card in your wallet (alongside your favourite photo of Glenn) and use it as your primary I.D.
>
>   And the number one sign that you're a Glenn Gould Cultist:
>
>   You have signed up as a subscriber to the F-Minor List and you race to your computer first thing every morning to read what's been posted. When there is nothing, you feel acute withdrawal symptoms and send in a message like this one.
>
>
>
>   Well, Glenn, these are the symptoms we have so far observed and identified as being associated with the pathology of Glenn Gould Cultism and its relatively minor and less devastating but more common variant, Glenn Gould Obsession.
>
>   Please report anyone with a test score over 75% to the International Organization United Against Gould Gould FANatics And Nutcases at http://www.iou_a_gg_fan.com and we will ensure that they are treated with a 12-week programme of cold-turkey withdrawal from Gould CDs consisting of a gradual introduction to Liberace, Elton John, and Jerry Lee Lewis, plus inspirational support provided by rehabilitated Gould addicts. No ketchup will be served at the institution and the drapes are always drawn.
>
>   At this time we are confident that we can achieve a remission rate of near 100%, but no outright cure. We remain optimistic, however, that donations sent to the committee will some day result in permanent relief for the tens of thousands who suffer from this tragic disease which has turned entire families into Gould junkies.
>
>   Please give my fondest regards to J.S. and do pass on this message (and the medium) to Marsh. And tell Pierre Trudeau if you see him that Canada misses him too and is renaming its highest mountain peak after him. So far, Glenn, you have only a Canadian postage stamp, but let me assure you that we are lobbying hard to have your instantly recognizable image placed on the new $5 dollar coin and to have Manitoulin Island renamed the Sacred Isle of Gould. We may even drop the pretence with the "ul" in your name and rename you "God".
>
>   Alas, thus far we have only succeeded in eliciting a token promise from the Canadian government to consider our proposal to declare a section of the NorthWest Territories as Glennland, whose national anthem will be the first installment of the Solitude Trilogy and whose "flag" will be the Aurora Borealis. Is your sector of AOL Heaven anything like that? I intend to move there and declare myself its first citizen and ruler when sovereignty is declared.
>
>   I will keep you posted on new symptoms of GG Cultism as they are identified and labelled. It's a thankless task, but somebody has to do it. That's all from moi on Planet Gould.
>
>   All the best from your Number 1 Fan,
>   Birgitte
>
>
>