Re: Top 39 Signs That You're a Glenn Gould Cultist

[Kamen Lai <kamenlai@yours.com>]

Dear all,

There should be another one:
42. Humming when you are playing the piano.

K.Rider


Daniel Vaiser wrote:

> Hello All: That is pretty good: I feel you should add: 40.
> Overdressing (with a sweater, a coat, two scarves, thermal underwear
> and a hat) in the height of summer . . . 41.  Putting Ketchup with all
> your food.   Daniel Vaiser
>
>      ----- Original Message -----
>      From: Birgitte Jorgensen
>      To: F_MINOR@EMAIL.RUTGERS.EDU
>      Sent: Friday, October 06, 2000 9:08 AM
>      Subject: Top 39 Signs That You're a Glenn Gould Cultist
>       Birgitte Jorgensen
>      Variations Blvd, No. 13
>      Planet Gould
>
>      Glenn Gould
>      Cloud CD318
>      AOL Heaven T3
>
>      Mon Cher Glenn,
>
>      As you know, you have over the past 18 years attracted a
>      flourishing following of fans and admirers, even scholars
>      and imitators, here on Planet Gould. But, I regret to inform
>      you, Glenn, that there are growing signs among some of your
>      most dedicated acolytes of a serious disorder known as Glenn
>      Gould Obsession. We are fearful that it may reach epidemic
>      proportions if we do not take measures now to constrain this
>      new contagion.
>
>      In the interests of healing those minds and saving those
>      souls making a desperate cry for help through the salvation
>      of your music, I have devised a self-administering test to
>      assist in establishing guidelines for a clinical diagnosis
>      of Glenn Gould Cultism.
>
>      Feel free to distribute this paper in AOL Heaven and be sure
>      to alert other Renaissance Men and Women up there to the
>      potential for this insidious complex of symptoms before it
>      contaminates their flocks.
>
>      Here then are the guidelines:
>
>      Top 39 Signs That You're a Glenn Gould Cultist
>
>      You never let a day pass by without playing the closing aria
>      from the second Goldberg Variations.
>
>      You showed up at the last Glenn Gould Gathering dressed as
>      Sir Nigel Twitt-Thornwaite and you plan to attend the next
>      one in Teddy Slutz drag.
>
>      You now lapse unconsciously into a Karl Kloppweisser accent
>      whenever you discuss Austro-Germanic music.
>
>      You donít play the piano, but you keep a Steinway Grand in
>      your shoebox-sized apartment.
>
>      You boycott all concerts in deference to Glenn Gouldís
>      doctrines, and as a gesture of support for one of his most
>      favoured causes, you are circulating "Letís Ban Applause"
>      petitions amongst unenlightened symphony hall patrons.
>
>      You have sprayed Torontoís Roy Thomson Hall with graffiti
>      that reads: "Horowitz Sucks! Gould Rules!"
>
>      Youíve set up an "I Hate GG" website so you can monitor the
>      activities of the enemy and have them blacklisted from
>      future GG Gatherings.
>
>      You are even thinking of starting your OWN Glenn Gould
>      discussion list which will only admit other like-minded GG
>      cultists, but you are so intimidated by the prospect of
>      being flamed that you decide to go into analysis first to
>      overcome your fears and resentments.
>
>      You always think you have a cold coming on and your friendly
>      neighbourhood pharmacist is your best buddy. You keep a copy
>      of the Medical Association's Manual of Prescription Drugs
>      handy along with a diary of your symptoms.
>
>      You wear black and play Gould CDs non-stop on October 4th
>      but you ignore September 25 because you know he would prefer
>      it that way.
>
>      You have your photo taken next to "Glenn On The Bench" and
>      you use it as a Christmas card.
>
>      You spent last summer in a cottage at Lake Simcoe and now
>      you are writing about your reflections on the experience.
>      This debut volume of poetry is to be called "On Gouldian
>      Pond."
>
>      You are a founding member of the new Petula Clark Revival
>      Club.
>
>      You have submitted customer reviews for every single Glenn
>      Gould item at Amazon.
>
>      You fantasize hacking into your local shopping mallís PA
>      system to replace the Muzak with Gouldís Art of Fugue and
>      film the reactions of the shoppers as a documentary you plan
>      to debut at Sundance next year. You actually believe you
>      will make GG converts out of the audience members and plot
>      to distribute the soundtrack in elevators worldwide.
>
>      You give up alcohol, tobacco, and fishing and take up
>      Valium, tea, and singing to cows instead.
>
>      You keep a copy of Natsume Sosekiís Three Cornered World on
>      your night table and read from it every night before
>      sleeping.
>
>      You restrict your diet to Arrowroot biscuits, Poland water,
>      and ketchup. You only eat in greasy-spoon truckstop diners
>      and it makes you feel cleansed.
>
>      You force your family and friends to watch Mary Tyler Moore
>      reruns even though they would prefer to watch Survivor or
>      MTV.
>
>      You recommend watching Slaughterhouse Five blindfolded
>      because you prefer it that way.
>
>      Youíve named your dogs Nicky and Banquo, and your three sons
>      are called Glenn Opus 1, 2, & 3.
>
>      You discourage handshakes, even with friends and family, and
>      from now on you threaten to sue anyone who slaps your back
>      or tries to kiss your cheek.
>
>      You force everyone to play the Twenty Questions guessing
>      game with you, even the police, customs officers, and your
>      psychiatrist.
>
>      You start calling your friends after midnight and reciting
>      to them entire transcripts of Cheers, Star Trek, and Spinal
>      Tap from memory.
>
>      You drive a í79 Honda Civic but you call it Longfellow. You
>      stop flying, buy a used Lincoln, and name it Lance. You take
>      out a second mortgage on your house to help finance the fuel
>      consumption costs.
>
>      Your vanity license plate is GGISBACH
>
>      Your screensaver and desktop background pattern is the photo
>      of Glenn Gould from the F-Minor home page (if you are
>      female) or from the official glenngould.com website (if you
>      are a straight male).
>
>      You dress year-round in an overcoat, cap, scarf and knit
>      gloves with the fingertips cut off, and you think no one has
>      noticed.
>
>      You preface all your pronouncements with "Glenn Gould saidÖ"
>
>      Your every action, behavior, and decision is based on what
>      you think Glenn Gould would do in your situation.
>
>      When you play his Mozart records backwards, you think you
>      hear Glennís voice saying: "Follow me."
>
>      Your screen name is "Dell".
>
>      You tattoo your forehead with the famous GlennGould
>      signature, backwards, so you can admire it in the mirror and
>      so that it can be read by motorists who see you in their
>      rearview mirror as you speed up on them and attempt to pass
>      while breaking the sound barrier.
>
>      You have let your posture slip and when you are called into
>      your superiorís office, you slip off your shoes and put your
>      stockinged feet on the desk. You have lost your job because
>      you are now sleeping during daylight hours and staying up
>      all night.
>
>      You have built a shrine to Glenn Gould in your basement and
>      you only leave it to check for messages from F-Minor.
>
>      Youíve removed the padding from all your chairs and sawed a
>      few inches off the legs of the dining-room table.
>
>      You hum incessantly when others are speaking to you, and you
>      conduct the rhythms of their speech with your left hand.
>
>      You keep your Friends of Glenn Gould Society membership card
>      in your wallet (alongside your favourite photo of Glenn) and
>      use it as your primary I.D.
>
>      And the number one sign that youíre a Glenn Gould Cultist:
>
>      You have signed up as a subscriber to the F-Minor List and
>      you race to your computer first thing every morning to read
>      whatís been posted. When there is nothing, you feel acute
>      withdrawal symptoms and send in a message like this one.
>
>
>
>      Well, Glenn, these are the symptoms we have so far observed
>      and identified as being associated with the pathology of
>      Glenn Gould Cultism and its relatively minor and less
>      devastating but more common variant, Glenn Gould Obsession.
>
>      Please report anyone with a test score over 75% to the
>      International Organization United Against Gould Gould
>      FANatics And Nutcases at http://www.iou_a_gg_fan.com and we
>      will ensure that they are treated with a 12-week programme
>      of cold-turkey withdrawal from Gould CDs consisting of a
>      gradual introduction to Liberace, Elton John, and Jerry Lee
>      Lewis, plus inspirational support provided by rehabilitated
>      Gould addicts. No ketchup will be served at the institution
>      and the drapes are always drawn.
>
>      At this time we are confident that we can achieve a
>      remission rate of near 100%, but no outright cure. We remain
>      optimistic, however, that donations sent to the committee
>      will some day result in permanent relief for the tens of
>      thousands who suffer from this tragic disease which has
>      turned entire families into Gould junkies.
>
>      Please give my fondest regards to J.S. and do pass on this
>      message (and the medium) to Marsh. And tell Pierre Trudeau
>      if you see him that Canada misses him too and is renaming
>      its highest mountain peak after him. So far, Glenn, you have
>      only a Canadian postage stamp, but let me assure you that we
>      are lobbying hard to have your instantly recognizable image
>      placed on the new $5 dollar coin and to have Manitoulin
>      Island renamed the Sacred Isle of Gould. We may even drop
>      the pretence with the "ul" in your name and rename you
>      "God".
>
>      Alas, thus far we have only succeeded in eliciting a token
>      promise from the Canadian government to consider our
>      proposal to declare a section of the NorthWest Territories
>      as Glennland, whose national anthem will be the first
>      installment of the Solitude Trilogy and whose "flag" will be
>      the Aurora Borealis. Is your sector of AOL Heaven anything
>      like that? I intend to move there and declare myself its
>      first citizen and ruler when sovereignty is declared.
>
>      I will keep you posted on new symptoms of GG Cultism as they
>      are identified and labelled. Itís a thankless task, but
>      somebody has to do it. Thatís all from moi on Planet GouldÖ
>
>      All the best from your Number 1 Fan,
>      Birgitte
>
>